So, the other night I rented The Love Guru from my local video store (I was unsure of how good it was going to be and therefore saw no point in investing $20 of my hard-earned money on it) and I ended up watching it 3 times! Now I wouldn't say that it was that amazing, in fact it paled in comparison to Mike Myers Austin Powers Trilogy, however, by the 3rd time I realized that one of the lines The Love Guru repeated was more than just a funny line... it was the truth.
As the The Love Guru, Guru Pitka (Mike Myers) says that Intimacy = In-To-Me-I-See. A good play on words? Yes. Funny when Mike Myers delivers the line? Yes. Is it ultimately the truth behind why so many of us struggle with satisfaction in the bedroom? Well, I sure think so. You see a large part of dissatisfaction and a lack of wanting to be intimate with your lover tends to come from a type of stress in your life or something that you are struggling with on the inside...even if you don't know it.
I am currently reading Sex Over 50 by Joel D. Block, Ph.D. (odd I know since I am not even close to 50 yet, but I'm finding out that this book is great for people of all ages) and he mentions in the beginning of the book three mental obstacles that many people face which make it hard to be intimate with that special person in your life.
The Three Mental Obstacles:
1) "Simple Boredom" : In other words, we get into a rut. The sex is the same, the positions are the same, and sex becomes more like something we have to do, rather than something we want to do.
2) "Assigning Low Priority To Romance And Lovemaking" : I know that this has happened to myself, my parents, and I'm sure many other people who are in a long-term, committed relationship. The daily stresses in life take over, taking care of our family, doing things with our friends, and we decide to push lovemaking to the bottom of our to do list. Dr. Block says that we "can feel guilty about planning a romantic evening together instead of taking care of others."
3) "Allowing Daily Life Stresses And Time Demands To Stifle Desire" : Basically, we decide that sex isn't as important as that extra hour or two of sleep we need, that pile of dishes that need to be done in the sink, the car needing an oil change, or that pile of work sitting on your desk that needs to be done now so you'll just work overtime.
The good news is, is that for every problem there is a solution; and that is where the line from The Love Guru comes in. If we can look inside of ourselves (In-To-Me-I-See) than we can figure out what is bothering us. Dr. Block gives an example of a couple where the husband lost interest in sex due to the fact that his job wasn't paying him enough. The husband asked for a raise, and when his boss granted him a substantial raise in pay he had this to say, "'The real surprise to me was the lasting effect this incident had on my libido. I felt more sexual after asking for that raise than I had in years; and the feeling persisted.'" The husband looked inside of himself to see what was wrong, he confronted his boss about being under paid, and in the end he was able to enjoy more intimacy with his wife.
Here are Five Steps For Overcoming The Obstacles from Dr. Block.
1) "Open A Discussion" : Talk with your partner about why there is a lack of intimacy in your relationship. Sometimes talking with your partner (the person you've chosen to spend you life with because you trust them, love them, and they are your best friend) helps get the reasons for the lack intimacy out in the open. I know I don't always realize things on my own...sometimes it helps me to bounce ideas off of someone else because (it's cliché, but) two heads are always better than one.
2) "Agree To Remove Critical Language From The Discussion" : Don't use negative words or words that could harbor a negative connotation. Talking with your partner should make you feel safe ... you should be able to speak without worrying about being judged or accused.
3) "Be Clear About Your Motives" : Make sure to express to each other what you want. For instance, recently I sat down with my fiancé and let him know that I felt like I was second in his life to everything else that was going on... I needed more attention, love, and one on one time with him; because I was completely clear on what I felt was lacking in our relationship he was able to accommodate my needs and things are back to normal again.
4) "Test The Validity Of Your Attitudes" : Are your feelings opinion or fact? Make sure you're not being accusatory towards your partner.
5) "Be Open To Change, Not Merely Sexual Change" : If you are not happy with life and you're not sure what it is, Dr. Block suggests changing something small in your day to day activities, "Start with easy changes, such as trying a new restaurant, having mango and kiwi instead of a banana in the morning, or buying a brightly colored shirt or blouse." Perhaps while you're changing your daily life you'll discover your inner happiness.
The In-To-Me-I-See is not going to happen overnight, in fact it might take months to get back to the intimacy you and your lover once craved. Just remember to look inside yourself for the answers and work with your lover to find a solution.
If you would like to purchase Dr. Block's book Sex Over 50 (remember it does apply to people of all ages) check out loverslane.com for this and all the items you need to bring your intimacy back to life again.
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